Why you need to fail in life
One of the craziest things I've learned in the game of life has been that to truly find success; you must be comfortable with failing over and over again.
It seems counterintuitive, though, doesn't it?
Wouldn't you think that to succeed in the game of life, you would have to succeed over and over again?
In theory, yes.
But in reality, to succeed over and over again takes a whole lot of attempts.
Which ends up feeling like a whole lot of failure.
Now, I'm no stranger to the world of failure.
Back when I was a sales coach for financial advisors, I knew that the makings of a successful advisor were the number of attempts they made to speak with prospective clients.
In fact, of every ten conversations these advisors would have, we knew only .6 would end up becoming a long-term client in their first year.
Not even one!
POINT SIX!
But when you apply this principle to the greater world of entrepreneurship, there are many variations of attempts that can make failing both intimidating and confusing.
It's learning what social media platform you enjoy marketing your business on.
It's figuring out how to speak about your business in a way that resonates with your ideal client.
It's identifying who your ideal clients are, through trial, error, and a lot of reflection.
It’s figuring out how much clients are willing and able to pay for your services.
It’s learning what tools are needed to run your business, how to use them, and which are just totally not relevant at the moment.
It’s experiencing how to manage your time, and learning how to manage and work through guilt associated with how you choose not to manage your time.
But what about in the game of life?
How does failure apply to life, as well?
Just think about it.
The person who networks with hundreds of people will be the one to improve in interviewing, make many connections, get clear on what they really desire to do in the world, and likely land a job they love.
The person who is open and vulnerable in relationships will be the one who lives, learns and applies their experience to future relationships.
The person who lives life without letting fear control them will be the one learning what they're truly capable of, allowing them to build upon that over time.
Why we aren’t more prepared for failure
While there are a few reasons why we aren’t conditioned to fail in our lives, let's focus on the obvious one.
Most of us attended a school system that discouraged failure.
We were rewarded for not speaking out of turn, not speaking up or against something we disagreed with, and deducted points based on the mistakes we made.
I distinctly remember being in fifth grade when - admittedly one of my favorite teachers - gave me a 2 out of a possible score of 4 (excellent) for my communication skills.
I was honestly offended and confused when I found this out.
Wasn't I one of the best students in class regarding participation?
Wasn't I a fantastic communicator because I actually communicated, unlike so many of my peers?
It depends on who is grading you, apparently.
For anyone else, this grade may have caused them to rethink success and cocoon their personality for the rest of their lives.
For me, I knew the teacher was wrong, and while I was confused, I had no plans on changing.
Why are we so afraid to fail?
As painful as it is to admit, most of the time, we are terrified to fail because we care deeply about what others will think of it.
While there may be other reasons why, such as losing time or money, more often, the greater fear holding us back includes the thought, “what would other people think?”
“What will they say?”
“Will I be a laughing stock?”
“Will this never leave me if it doesn't work out?”
Above all else, this is the reason why we stay stuck.
We are so afraid of the way others will perceive our failures that we don't get to the point of making any attempts at all.
But as I heard recently from Brooke Castillo,
"Progress is not made by winning; it's made by attempting."
How progress is made by attempting
An example shared in the book Atomic Habits illustrates this point entirely.
A University of Florida photography professor divided the class in half on the first day of class.
The students on the left side of the classroom would be the "quantity" group. They would be graded solely on the number of photos they produced. One hundred photos would be an A, 90 a B, and so on.
The right side of the classroom would be the "quality" group. They would only be graded on the excellence of their work. To earn an A, the image would have to be perfect.
The professor found that the "quantity" group produced the best photos at the end of the semester. Reason being that these students, throughout the semester, made many more attempts.
They tried different angles, lenses, and subjects, and they learned from each image they produced.
According to the text, the quality group "sat around speculating about perfection.
In the end, they had little to show for their efforts other than unverified theories and one mediocre photo."
I'm sorry… whaaaat?!
Isn't this what we all do every single day of our lives?
Sit around, thinking incessantly about the perfect step to take that will result in a better life, but never actually stepping?
Survey everyone we know about decisions that are ours to make?
Researching the best possible path for our decisions without taking any meaningful action?
According to the above example, a life of thinking, surveying and researching will yield the result of some pretty lame beliefs and an even lamer life.
So I'm going to ask you now, friend, to believe fully in the following statement.
The more attempts (AKA failures) you make in life, the more rewarding your life will become.
Until you believe this fully, you will always choose thought over action.
So please, believe it with me now.
And once you're there with me, let's look at different ways to take action and embrace failure.
How to get comfortable with failure.
Begin seeing others failures as inspiration
In my coaching, I have discovered that those who are the most terrified to fail are also the most judgmental of others' failures, or they grew up in an environment where criticizing others was the norm.
But the more you criticize others' failures, the more terrified you will become to create your own.
Just take a look at the people in your life (or who are no longer in your life) and notice the correlation between those who spend their precious energy criticizing others and those who are miserable themselves.
Also, that’s not to say some really happy well-meaning people never criticize others.
We are all human and unfortunately, we all judge and criticize to varying degrees.
But it's those who bask in others' failures and who make fun of others' attempts that will end up never attempting themselves.
But the good news is that if you want to grow in not being so negative, you absolutely can.
Next time you catch yourself criticizing someone else, stop and ask yourself:
“How is this person actually incredibly inspiring?"
"How is this person doing something that others wouldn't dare to do?”
"How is this person daring greatly?”
From there, consciously make a new choice.
Choose to "like" their posts, choose to leave a kind comment, choose to send them a message and tell them they're doing great.
Consciously make a new choice.
The more of an encourager you become, the more you'll think about the people who are cheering you on and those you're inspiring rather than the ones rooting against you.
2. Redefine failure
Who is a bigger failure to you?
Is it the person who lives their life safely, never putting themselves out there, and who lives a mediocre life?
Or is it the one who leaps large and is criticized over and over again until they reach new levels of success?
I hope to God you choose the latter one.
The more you define a successful person as someone who leaps large, embarrasses themselves and repeatedly fails, the more admiration you will have for yourself to do the same.
But you get to define what failure means to you.
3. Rewire your beliefs
What is failure anyway?
I often struggle to speak on this topic as I know the audience is likely perceiving failure very differently from the way I am.
I believe that actual failure only exists by not attempting, and that everything else is just learning.
Here's an example of my own.
When I first launched my business and got on YouTube, I created a handful of videos only to realize I didn't love doing YouTube.
Does that mean I failed at YouTube since I didn't have a zillion subscribers when I decided to part ways with it?
Not at all. It just means I didn't enjoy YouTube. So I attempted, learned I didn't like it, and then made more attempts with other marketing methods, only to realize I loved doing live video.
I believe there is no actual failure if you're making attempts.
There's winning, or there's learning.
Another way to rewire your beliefs about failure is to fully believe and accept that all the cool kids are doing it.
Truly, allllllll the celebrities are failures 100x over.
Whoever you respect the most is likely a big colossal failure.
You just aren't thinking of them that way because they made so many attempts that their successes heavily outweigh their failures.
To rewire your beliefs to ones that are a little more like mine, think of it like this.
Failure is not making any attempt. If you attempt, your result is winning or learning, not failing.
All the cool kids are big fat failures.
4. Care more about what you think of yourself than what others think of you.
Ok, friend. If you've been hanging with me until now, I hope at this point you feel like the only way you will fail is if you aren't even trying.
And I hope that at this very moment, you are in full belief that those who don't even try are the biggest failures of all.
If you're not totally there, I hope you're close.
Because once you fully believe in this, I'm going to ask you to have your own back with it and to care more about what you think of yourself than what others are going to think.
You will never be able to control what others will think of you.
People will always judge you for what you say and what you don't say. What you do and what you aren't doing. What you wear and what you aren't wearing.
So what always matters the most is what you think of yourself.
Be concerned with that.
Believe that every failure is a learning experience, that every attempt is in some way a success, and that living a life daring greatly is greater than those who don't attempt at all.
Be in such full belief of these things that any mistake you make or lesson you learn, you only see them as stones turned over on your path to living your most successful life.
When you believe this fully, you'll care a lot less about what others think of you.
5. Please, only focus on the best-case scenario.
Because doesn't it just feel so much better than the alternative?
The Formula For Success
In summary, the formula isn't what you think it is.
We think that the formula should be a lot of success should equal success, right?!
But it's just simply not the case, friends.
The more we fail, over and over again, the more success we'll have.
So I hope you can one day look back and call yourself a big fat failure.
Because in my book, that's a badge of honor.