Breaking Your Perfectionism
Two years ago, I had a total breakthrough from working with my first coach.
It came after I spent ten minutes word-vomiting everything on my to-do list and expressing the intense anxiety I felt when I didn't complete it in its entirety.
My coach at the time, Tami, was silent for a brief moment before she said, "why do you feel the need to do all of this? What is your motive?"
That question hit me right between the eyes because the only motive I really had was one that I didn't want to admit out loud.
It was because I wanted others to see me as flawless. I wanted others to think that I could do it all.
Oh, it is laughable now, but at the time, it was uncomfortable. Flawless?! Who do I think I am?! The most laughable part of it all is that I actually thought this was something I could strive for. To be flawless in others' eyes. GOOD ONE, JEANNIE!
After that, Tami and I went to work breaking me free of my perfectionism, and I've been making moves in it ever since.
Since that initial breakthrough, I've learned a lot on the topic. I have coached numerous clients on this anxious behavior as well. (Because all perfectionists know, perfectionism and anxiety are besties).
And today, I'm going to help you, too.
But before doing so, let's dig into why perfectionism is a problem.
What perfectionism is at its core
Let's put into words what perfectionism is.
Perfectionism is, at its core, a fear of criticism from others.
Rather than being open to receiving feedback or filtering out unhelpful or harmful criticism, perfectionists take it all very personally and apply a lot of meaning to the words being said.
When someone says, "I don't like your work," instead of being able to hear it for what it is, perfectionists apply words that weren't said at all.
My work is awful.
I should be embarrassed about what I presented.
I am unworthy.
No one will hire me now.
You can imagine why so many perfectionists are terrified to put themselves out there with thoughts like these. If that's how they're thinking, they're doomed.
I recently read Brene Brown's Daring Greatly, and she had a really good section on perfectionism. Here are a few excerpts from her book:
"Perfectionism is a defense move. It's the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame."
"Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval."
"Perfectionism is more about perception than internal motivation, and there is no way to control perception, no matter how much time and energy we spend trying."
If you're feeling totally seen and called out, then I highly recommend you keep on reading.
Why perfectionism is a problem
First, let's address a common objection I receive when talking about perfectionism.
"But Jeannie, perfectionism isn't all bad, right? It's about doing your absolute best work, isn't it?"
Oh, friend, you are adorable.
Doing your best work is of course a great thing, but not when it's at your expense.
When it's at your expense, you're spending time making everything perfect to avoid what someone might say about you or your work.
When it's at your expense, you're making safe choices rather than choices that you desire to make.
When it's at your expense, you're stressed AF and stressing others out around you.
So for that reason, friend, it's very detrimental.
Brene writes in Daring Greatly,
"Perfectionism is not the key to success. In fact, research shows that perfectionism hampers achievement."
Perfectionism is a problem because it holds women back from taking risks, showing up confidently, and being themselves. And it’s harmful to others.
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Let's dive into each of these.
Perfectionism doesn't allow an opportunity for growth.
When you're in complete fear of others having negative thoughts or criticizing feedback towards you, you're going to hold yourself back from taking any action where you cannot 100% guarantee that it will yield you a validating response.
So basically, you're playing it safe and avoiding mistakes.
When you're not making mistakes, you're not growing.
When you're not growing, you're stuck, and that's not a fun place to be in.
Life is about growing and evolving in all areas. It's about dreaming big, believing in the possibility of achieving your version of greatness, and falling down enough times to pick yourself up and achieve it.
When you're terrified to make mistakes, you're refusing to partake in the best part of life:
Showing yourself what you're truly capable of.
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I can honestly say that I would not be where I am right now if I hadn't broken through caring what others think of me.
Because once you let this go, you're free in a way that you have never been before.
Perfectionism is harmful to others.
When you're constantly striving for perfection in multiple areas of your life, the people in those areas will be affected by it.
Suppose you feel the need to look perfect at all times, and your significant other or child shows up wearing something that isn't adequate in your eyes. In that case, you may feel resentful for the lack of care they put into their appearance and say some hurtful words.
Suppose you feel the need to prove that you're a great and perfect mom. When you see other moms make mistakes, you will be quick to point them out rather than accept them as doing their best.
After exhibiting this criticizing behavior enough times, it will begin to repel others from wanting to spend time with you.
Not only because they don't want to be met with judgment, but also because they won't feel like they'll know the real you.
Perfectionism doesn't allow you to be seen.
When you're hiding your flaws, your vulnerabilities, your crazy quirks and your opinions, you're hiding yourself.
I promise you, friend, I can relate.
I spent years hiding a lot of what makes me me, because I constantly was comparing myself to others, wondering what they would think of what I was wearing and holding back my opinions that may have differed. And it's so sad that I just didn't allow myself to be seen and heard for years.
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When I finally embraced who I am, I felt like I could finally relax.
I was able to develop deeper relationships with like-minded people and let go of the ones that no longer fit who I was.
I was able to show up wholly in my business and on my social channels, talking about the things I am most interested in and attracting people who see themselves in me, can relate to me, and enjoy learning from me.
And I was able just to feel free to be me. And damn, does that feel good.
Perfectionism is impossible to achieve
Lastly, the most important reason why perfectionism is a problem is that perfectionists will always be chasing the elusive definition of the word "perfect.”
Every person has their own perspective, taste, personality, flair, opinions, and beliefs.
How could anybody ever create anything perfect in the eyes of all?
Because of the impossibility of achieving perfection, we have to shed this belief and begin creating new ones.
Ones that allow room for growth, a lot of grace, and self-compassion.
How to break free of perfectionism
Okay, now that I likely have your attention and probably have you a little frightened, I'm going to give you four tools that will help you break free of your perfectionism, one day at a time.
Get excited because these are tools I give to my clients, and they pay big money for this kind of coaching.
So listen up, take notes, and commit to seeing things differently.
If you do this, I promise you that you'll notice a change.
Accept reality
The first step I'm going to ask you to take is to fully accept reality: that your idea of perfectionism is always in the perception of others.
As Brene says, there is no way you can control others' perceptions.
It's funny because I think we really truly know this deep down, but we refuse to accept it.
So before we move on, I was hoping you could accept this right now.
Do you accept this reality? Do you accept that this is the absolute truth?
Please say out loud right now, "I will never be able to control others' perceptions of me, and that's okay."
Amazing. Moving on.
2. Accept you're a ripe, juicy peach, and some people don't like peaches.
Remember earlier when I said that perfectionists apply an additional meaning to feedback? We're going to dive into that right now.
When a perfectionist hears "I don't like that" about their work, what they hear is "I'm not good enough." Instead, they should hear, "THEY don't like my work," and what they should think is, "THEY aren't my people, and that's okay."
I love the quote,
"you can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there will always be someone who doesn't like peaches."
I think it is the kindest way of saying, "you are objectively perfect; no one else's opinion changes that."
You are a juicy peach, my friend.
If someone else doesn't like peaches, that doesn't mean that you're rotten.
It just means that they don't like peaches.
Accept that everyone is so different. If someone doesn't like you or your work, that doesn't make you any less talented, any less of a person, any less worthy of love or success.
It just makes you, you.
3. Embrace that you are human
Instead of thinking that you totally messed up when you receive feedback on your quarterly report, or that you are an awful human for forgetting your best friend's birthday, or that you are a horrible mom when you forget to pick up your kids from school, realize that the one thing does not equal the other.
You can give an incredible quarterly report AND still need some feedback.
You can be an incredible friend AND have a slight oversight when it comes to your friend's birthday.
You can be an incredible mom AND forget to pick up your kids from school.
Whatever you're making your flaws mean, turn them into an "and" statement to realize that you are just human.
You are so totally lovable AND not everyone will love you.
You are perfect AND totally flawed.
You are amazing AND you make mistakes from time to time.
This "and" statement provides so much room for grace with my clients, and I am sure it will work for you, too.
Embrace the AND, friends.
4. Be obsessed with yourself.
Ready for my favorite one?
We get so afraid of someone not liking us and criticizing us because we ourselves are afraid that there is truth in what they have to say.
This is why, more than anything, it is so crucial for you to be obsessed with yourself.
Suppose you want to write, but you think you're a terrible writer. In that case, you're going to be terrified to write anything publicly in fear of what people have to say about it.
If you think you're a great writer, you're going to put your whole heart into your writing. You're going to take time on it, you're going to talk about it, and you're going to promote it.
If you really believe you're a great writer, if anyone else disagrees and doesn't like your work, you're not going to be crushed.
You're going to look at them like they're nuts.
And then you're going to move on.
This is how I want you to approach everything you do in life, but especially just you as a whole. I want you to be obsessed with you.
I want you to take a genuine interest in you.
Believe in all the positive things you are, lean into what makes you different, get to know your unique natural abilities, and hurl yourself into anything that lights you up.
When you are totally obsessed with you and embrace your awesomeness, if anyone else has anything to say about it, it just won't phase you.
Because it just won't have any real meaning to it.
Become so obsessed with yourself and how amazing you are so that you don't find truth in harsh criticism from others.
You don't really find anything at all in it.
Friends, I know the above was a lot, but I also know that these tools are CRUCIAL to getting you where you want to go. I promise you. Please take the time to adopt them and leverage the tools above to break your perfectionist behavior.
If you're wondering if you've done it right, I will tell you that once you've really changed your thoughts and beliefs, you will feel incredible.
You'll feel untouchable.
When someone criticizes you, it will roll off of you.
When you're given constructive feedback, you'll filter it and take what you need and not get all emotional about it.
I want you to be free of the hold that perfectionism has had on you for far too long.
And I know that you can be.
And whenever you're ready for your massive breakthroughs, you know I'm just an application away.